


Doomed-Bring Me The Horizon

by violently_knits



Series: Paint It Black [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Car Accidents, Hospitalization, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phan Fluff, Phanfiction, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 15:37:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 8,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7393306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violently_knits/pseuds/violently_knits
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil get in a fight, causing Phil to leave. Will he want to take Dan back? Is their marriage in jeopardy? This is the sequel to Paint It Black-Rolling Stones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Doomed-Bring Me The Horizon

_"So come rain on my parade 'cuz I wanna feel it. Come shove me over the edge 'cuz my head is in overdrive. I'm sorry, but it's too late and it's not worth saving. So come rain on my parade. I think we're doomed, I think we're doomed. And now there is no way back."_

Phil and I have been married for about a year now and things have been going pretty good. Not a lot has changed except my last name. Everything is pretty much the same as before though.

I've been doing a lot better. I'm not as depressed and I'm really starting to improve. Phil and I have fought a lot less because I'm not such an asshole anymore.

Now imagine that everything I just said is a lie.

Nothing is as great as it should be. I'm getting worse. I want to die. I'm sure Phil wants to kill me because of how much we fight. But I can't control it and I'm afraid we won't last much longer. We're fighting constantly. We've tried couples counseling but nothing works. I don't understand. I thought things were supposed to get better after we got married. I thought I would be happier. I thought Phil would be happier too, but he's slipping through the cracks. I can see him deteriorating quickly. He's gotten paler and thinner if that's at all possible. Lately, he doesn't even fight back. I don't know what to do.

"Hey, Dan. Dinner is ready." He says to me. I grab a plate and we sit down in the living room to watch TV as we eat. I can't even eat because I keep thinking about how much of a horrible person I've been to him, and I don't know if I can ever make it up to him, or if he'll even forgive me.

"Phil, can I talk to you about something?" He looks scared. Usually when I start off conversations like that we end up not speaking for awhile. "I'm so sorry for the way I've been acting lately. I know I've been a complete asshole to you and you don't deserve that. It's just been really hard for me lately. I'm not getting better, but that's not an excuse for the way I've treated you. I love you so much and seeing you this way hurts me more than you can imagine."

"It's okay. I know you've been hurting a lot. Is this a wake up call, Dan? Will you finally get some help? Because you and I both know that you just can't fix yourself alone. And I just don't know how to help you anymore. You know, I've tried everything, but you're so god damn stubborn that you won't accept my help!" He stands up and starts raising his voice and he's getting angry now. "I love you so much but you just won't let me help you! Why is that, huh? I guess you're just too far gone." He's getting himself worked up and starts freaking out.

I don't know if I should try to comfort him or if that would just make things worse. "I'm sorry." Is all I can muster up. "I don't know how I can make this better." I admit to him.

"You know what? I think it would be better if you just left, Dan."

"What?" I stand up to look at him face to face. "You don't mean that. Come on. Please say you're not serious."

"I am serious." He says to me.

"And what if I don't?" I challenge him.

"Then _I_ will." He walks away down the hall and shuts our bedroom door. I stand there speechless. He's not serious. He'll calm down and everything will be okay again, right?

After I gather up the energy, I walk towards our room. I try to open the door but it's locked. I knock, "Phil? Are you okay?" No response. "Phil, please open up. I just want to talk to you."

I put my ear against the door to see if I can hear him do anything. All I hear is something moving around, and then a zipper. And then another zipper. Finally, I hear something heavy hit the floor. What on earth is he doing in there? The door opens and I see him standing in the doorway carrying suitcases. Damn, he _was_ serious.

"Move please." He says quietly.

"Phil, please don't do this. I need you." I beg him.

He looks up at me. "Well I guess you should've thought of that a few months ago." He pushes past me. Phil grabs his coat and puts on his shoes. He grabs his keys and leaves. I say nothing the whole time. I just stand there watching as the only person who really matters to me leaves my life, possibly for good.

The door slams behind him. I drop to my knees as a tear runs down my cheek. I stare at the door for what feels like forever, in hopes that this is some cruel joke and Phil runs back in yelling, "Surprise! I got you!" But he never does.


	2. A Prophecy-Asking Alexandria

_"I should've known the tides were getting higher. We can still survive above the waves. I should've known the tides were getting higher. I should've known the tides were getting higher. We can still survive! You never said goodbye."_

It's been three days since Phil left. I haven't slept. Our bed is cold and empty. I haven't even gone into our room since, in fear that I'll break down from seeing all of Phil's stuff, or at least what's left of it. I've just been dozing off on the couch while flipping through TV channels. I don't have the motivation to do much else. I haven't gone on social media at all, and neither has Phil. I know because I get notifications every time he tweets something, but so far, nothing.

I've barely moved from my spot on the couch. I only get up to go to the bathroom and get food if absolutely necessary. I'm just numb. I can't feel anything. I'm not sad, or depressed, or lonely. I'm nothing, and it's worse than feeling _something._

If Phil were here, maybe we would've talked about this and made it better. He hasn't answered my calls or texts, not that I've sent many. I know he won't answer anyway, so what's the point? I try to pull myself out of this funk by watching my friends' videos on YouTube. I stumble upon Louise's latest video. I remember Phil once said her voice was calming to him. Maybe she'll do the same for me. After watching her videos for about an hour, I still feel nothing, so I decide to call her and see if she wants to come over.

"Hello?" She answers.

"Hey, Louise. It's Dan."

"Oh hi! How are you? I haven't talked to you in forever. How have you been?" She asks sweetly.

"Not good. That's actually why I've called. I hate to bother you, but would you like to come over? I need to talk some things out." I explain to her.

"Yeah, okay sure. Isn't Phil there?" She asks.

"Actually, no." I choke back tears. "He's gone away for a bit."

"Okay." She sounds kind of sad now, like she knows what's up. "I'll be over in a few minutes."

"Okay, thanks." We then say our goodbyes and hang up.

I tidy up the flat a little bit, but there's not much of a mess since I haven't done anything lately. When Phil left, it's like he took a part of me with him. The part of me that emotes and cares about things. It's just gone.

Louise gets here a few minutes later. I throw my arms around her and hug her as soon as she walks in the door. "Dan, what's wrong? Tell me what's happening." She says after she prys me off her.

I take a deep breath, preparing myself to relive the memories of the past few days. "Okay, so... the simple version is that Phil and I had a fight and he left."

"Why did you guys fight?" Louise asks, concerned.

"I was being an asshole. I've just been on a constant downfall the past few months because of my depression, and I guess he's just had enough of me." I explain.

"Well, what did he say?"

"He's just mad that I haven't done anything to get better and that I'm so stubborn. He thinks that I can't be helped. And even though he's said he's tried so many times to help, all he's really done is make me feel worse for not being what he wants me to be. He hasn't taken any actual action to help, like he says he has. I'm sorry, I'm getting upset."

"I think you guys need to talk this out without the yelling. Have you tried calling him?" She asks hopefully.

"Yes, many times. He won't answer."

"Did he say where he was going?"

"No, he left without saying a word. He just packed his bags and left. He didn't even say goodbye. But now that I'm thinking about it, maybe he went to his parents' house."

"You know what that means... road trip!" She exclaims, throwing her hands in the air.

"Seriously?" I ask.

"Yeah! Of course! I want to help you guys get back together any way that I can." Louise beams.

"Well, Lou, I hate to say this... but you're not the best at relationships. I mean, you're divorced. And what would you do about Darcy while we're gone?"

"The divorce was a mutual decision. That does not mean I'm crap at relationships. Also, I'm not doing anything to help except getting you there. You'll have to do the talking yourself. And about Darcy, I can get Matt to watch her while we're gone. It shouldn't take too long, right?"

"No, it shouldn't. Thank you so much, Lou. When do you wanna go?"

"How about right now?"

"What? Really?"

"Yeah. I just need to grab some things, and you should too. Bring some money, snacks, and money just in case. I'll run home, get my purse, and call Matt. I'll be back in fifteen minutes."

She leaves without saying goodbye. I hear yelling from outside, "Road trip!" She's crazy, but she's the best friend I could ever ask for. Now everything would be great if I could get Phil back.


	3. R U Mine?-Arctic Monkeys

_"I should've known the tides were getting higher. We can still survive above the waves. I should've known the tides were getting higher. I should've known the tides were getting higher. We can still survive! You never said goodbye."_

It's been three days since Phil left. I haven't slept. Our bed is cold and empty. I haven't even gone into our room since, in fear that I'll break down from seeing all of Phil's stuff, or at least what's left of it. I've just been dozing off on the couch while flipping through TV channels. I don't have the motivation to do much else. I haven't gone on social media at all, and neither has Phil. I know because I get notifications every time he tweets something, but so far, nothing.

I've barely moved from my spot on the couch. I only get up to go to the bathroom and get food if absolutely necessary. I'm just numb. I can't feel anything. I'm not sad, or depressed, or lonely. I'm nothing, and it's worse than feeling _something._

If Phil were here, maybe we would've talked about this and made it better. He hasn't answered my calls or texts, not that I've sent many. I know he won't answer anyway, so what's the point? I try to pull myself out of this funk by watching my friends' videos on YouTube. I stumble upon Louise's latest video. I remember Phil once said her voice was calming to him. Maybe she'll do the same for me. After watching her videos for about an hour, I still feel nothing, so I decide to call her and see if she wants to come over.

"Hello?" She answers.

"Hey, Louise. It's Dan."

"Oh hi! How are you? I haven't talked to you in forever. How have you been?" She asks sweetly.

"Not good. That's actually why I've called. I hate to bother you, but would you like to come over? I need to talk some things out." I explain to her.

"Yeah, okay sure. Isn't Phil there?" She asks.

"Actually, no." I choke back tears. "He's gone away for a bit."

"Okay." She sounds kind of sad now, like she knows what's up. "I'll be over in a few minutes."

"Okay, thanks." We then say our goodbyes and hang up.

I tidy up the flat a little bit, but there's not much of a mess since I haven't done anything lately. When Phil left, it's like he took a part of me with him. The part of me that emotes and cares about things. It's just gone.

Louise gets here a few minutes later. I throw my arms around her and hug her as soon as she walks in the door. "Dan, what's wrong? Tell me what's happening." She says after she prys me off her.

I take a deep breath, preparing myself to relive the memories of the past few days. "Okay, so... the simple version is that Phil and I had a fight and he left."

"Why did you guys fight?" Louise asks, concerned.

"I was being an asshole. I've just been on a constant downfall the past few months because of my depression, and I guess he's just had enough of me." I explain.

"Well, what did he say?"

"He's just mad that I haven't done anything to get better and that I'm so stubborn. He thinks that I can't be helped. And even though he's said he's tried so many times to help, all he's really done is make me feel worse for not being what he wants me to be. He hasn't taken any actual action to help, like he says he has. I'm sorry, I'm getting upset."

"I think you guys need to talk this out without the yelling. Have you tried calling him?" She asks hopefully.

"Yes, many times. He won't answer."

"Did he say where he was going?"

"No, he left without saying a word. He just packed his bags and left. He didn't even say goodbye. But now that I'm thinking about it, maybe he went to his parents' house."

"You know what that means... road trip!" She exclaims, throwing her hands in the air.

"Seriously?" I ask.

"Yeah! Of course! I want to help you guys get back together any way that I can." Louise beams.

"Well, Lou, I hate to say this... but you're not the best at relationships. I mean, you're divorced. And what would you do about Darcy while we're gone?"

"The divorce was a mutual decision. That does not mean I'm crap at relationships. Also, I'm not doing anything to help except getting you there. You'll have to do the talking yourself. And about Darcy, I can get Matt to watch her while we're gone. It shouldn't take too long, right?"

"No, it shouldn't. Thank you so much, Lou. When do you wanna go?"

"How about right now?"

"What? Really?"

"Yeah. I just need to grab some things, and you should too. Bring some money, snacks, and money just in case. I'll run home, get my purse, and call Matt. I'll be back in fifteen minutes."

She leaves without saying goodbye. I hear yelling from outside, "Road trip!" She's crazy, but she's the best friend I could ever ask for. Now everything would be great if I could get Phil back.


	4. Avalanche-Bring Me The Horizon

_"It's like an avalanche. I feel myself go under cause the weight of it's like hands around my neck. I never stood a chance. My heart is frozen over and I feel like I am treading on thin ice. Am I broken? What's the chance I will survive? Don't sugarcoat me, cause I feel like suicide. Just give it to me straight cause I'm running out of time. I need an antidote, now what can you prescribe?"_

We pull up at The Lester's around 9:00 pm. I don't know what I'm going to say to Phil when I see him. I haven't prepared anything, I've just been trying to avoid this. But now the time has come, and I have no idea what I'm gonna say. How will he react? What if he refuses to see me? Louise tells me she'll wait in the car. She urges me that I need to do something soon or it'll be too late.

I get out of the car and slowly walk to the door. I go up the steps, trying to think of what I'm going to say. I have some sort of idea. I knock on the door. My heart is beating out of my chest. I can hear it in my ears and feel it in my stomach. My legs go numb and my face and neck feel hot. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I can't be having an anxiety attack now. This is not the time for this. A few seconds later, Mrs. Lester opens the door.

"Oh, blimey. Dan what are you doing here? Is this about Phil?" She asks me. She looks at me with sad eyes. I guess Phil told her what happened.

"Yeah, it is. Is... is he here?" I ask. What if he isn't? What if he ran away for good? Or he's dead in a ditch somewhere?

"Yes, he's in his room. Come in, I'll go get him." She let's me in and I close the door behind me. Mr. Lester walks into the foyer to say hi.

"Hi, Dan. Phil told us what happened between you two." He informs me.

"Oh." Is all I can think of to say.

"I just want to tell you is not your fault, son. Phil's very sensitive to these kinds of things. He just wants you to be happy." He smiles softly.

"I know. I really messed up this time. Do you think he'll take me back?" I ask him.

"Yes, I do. He really loves you. You both will be okay."

As soon as he finishes his sentence, Phil comes waltzing into the room. He sees that it's me and freezes. I guess his mum didn't tell him it was me.

"What are you doing here?" He says coldly. His parents leave the room to give us some privacy.

"I need to apologize. I've been horrible to you the past few months, and I can't live with myself knowing you hate me."

"I don't hate you."

"Then how do you really feel? Do you even love me anymore? Cause I honestly don't..." He cuts me off.

"Of course I still love you, you idiot. I think we just need some time apart. I think you need some time to get better before I come back."

"But... I can't do this without you." My voice breaks.

"It seems you can't do it with me there either."

"Please, Phil, come home. We can work through this. I'll do whatever it takes. I'll do whatever you want me to. Just please, come home. I miss you so much. More than anyone has ever missed anyone ever."

"I just... I don't know. You've said you'd do something before, but nothing's happened yet. I don't know if you'll actually do it this time. How do I know you're really going to get help? Or let me help you? Because it's been years, and I'm done. I'm sick of you procrastinating this."

I step closer to him and start crying. I angrily wipe my tears away. " _I swear to god I will_. You can trust me on that this time." I grab a hold of his shirt and pull him in for a hug. I hold on tight in case this is the last time. I bury my face in his shoulder, probably wetting it with my tears. I feel just plain awful. I feel like I might die if he doesn't come back to me. After what feels like forever of just holding on to him, I feel him hug back. I pick my head up to look at him and kiss him hard.

"Oh god, I've missed you. I don't know how I've lived without you." I choke out. "I'm so sorry baby."

"No, I'm sorry I left. I know you needed me, and I just left. Why don't we go home tomorrow? By the way, how did you get here?"

"Louise drove me. I'll go tell her she can go." I walked out the door to tell her. She got out of the car, hugged me, and wished me luck. Then she drove off. I went back inside with Phil.


	5. I Write Sins Not Tragedies-Panic! At The Disco

_"I chime in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?!" No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality. I chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?!" No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of... Well in fact, well I'll look at it this way, I mean technically our marriage is saved. Well this calls for a toast so, pour the champagne. Oh! Well in fact, well I'll look at it this way, I mean technically our marriage is saved. Well this calls for a toast, so, pour the champagne, pour the champagne."_

Phil grabs my hand and pulls me upstairs to his room. I think we're going to have makeup sex. He closes the bedroom door. We start making out passionately. It's fast paced and needy. "Oh god I've missed this." I breathe out.

"Me too baby." He replies. His voice is soft and raspy. It's really sexy and turns me on even more. He pushes me down on the bed and crawls on top of me. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull him down to kiss me again. I slip my hands under his shirt and hold his waist. He sits up and takes it off, then lays down completely on me. We flip over and I take my shirt off too. Phil flips us back over. He likes being on top. I unbutton his jeans and pull them off.

We keep making out. I run my hands through his hair, tangling my fingers in it. We pull away for a second to breathe. As we're taking a break, he undoes my belt and takes off my pants. We go back to kissing, this time it's softer and more loving. We sit up. I sit so I'm facing him with my legs wrapped around his back. I start kissing his neck, hearing him moan a little. I feel him get hard against me. He slips his hand down the front of my underwear, and then starts to...

Then the door opens and Phil's mum walks in. "Oh! Sorry! I didn't see anything!" She runs out of the room, closing the door. Man, tomorrow's gonna be awkward.

"Well, what do we do now?" I ask, laughing. Phil gets up to lock the door.

"I don't know. I don't think I can continue after that." He smiles and kisses my nose. "But maybe later." He whispers sexily.

"Wait! You can't just do that to me. Now can't wait until later. I need you now." I get up and attack Phil. I jump up and weak my legs around him. His knees collapse under both our weights, and I land on top of him. We look into each others eyes and then he grabs my cheeks and pulls my face closer to his. We make out lustfully. He slips his tongue in my mouth and I do the same. I start grinding against him. He moans quietly.

I stop kissing him. "Wait, shouldn't we wait until your parents go to sleep?" I tease him.

"No. It's fine." He sounds exasperated. "Just come back and do me."

"See how it feels? I'll come back, but when we start, you don't know if I'll stop or not. Maybe I'll stop when you tell me to. Maybe I'll keep going and make you feel so good you won't want me to stop anymore." I whisper.

"Oh my god, you're so sexy. Come here." He stands up and pushes me back on the bed. He pulls off my underwear and I do the same to him.

He lowers himself to my... you know. And he starts... you know what? I'm not gonna tell you anymore. I'm not even sure what I've already told you is PG-13. I'm gonna stop here. I think you know what happens next.

When we're finished, he collapses next to me. We're sweaty, sticky, and breathing heavy, but that was the best sex we've had in awhile.


	6. Party With The Devil-Attila

_"I can never ever be a perfect fucking image of what you want and nobody can ever live forever. Get over it. I'm ready now."_

When we wake up in the morning, we take a shower together to clean off the remnants of last night. We end up having shower sex, but have to keep quiet just in case his parents are up. We get out, get dressed, and go downstairs for breakfast.

"Good morning, boys." Mrs. Lester says.

"Good morning, Mrs. Lester." I reply.

"Oh, dear, I'm your mother in law. You can call me Catherine." She smiles.

"Okay, Catherine." I say awkwardly. It feels kind of weird calling her Catherine after calling her Mrs. Lester for years. Phil and I don't bring up what happened last night, and thankfully she doesn't either.

We decide to leave early so we don't get home too late. It'll take us around 3 and a half hours to drive home. Phil gets his stuff together, says goodbye to his parents, and we head out the door. I get in the car, wanting to drive this time.

We set out on the road listening to the radio. Phil keeps flipping between channels because nothing's coming in clearly. He eventually just turns it off. "Alright, why don't we talk instead?" He suggests.

"What about?" I ask.

"I don't know. What did you do while I was gone?" He asks cautiously.

"Absolutely nothing. I was a mess the whole time. I didn't move from the couch. I barely ate. I couldn't sleep without you next to me. I went on Tumblr to distract myself, but it only reminded me of you more. And honestly, I thought about offing myself a couple times." I explain.

"What? Why?"

"Because I didn't know if you were ever coming back and I just couldn't live without you. You're the only thing keeping me alive. Look, I know I'm not perfect. I know I'll never be exactly what you want me to be. I'll just have to cope with that I guess."

"Dan, I'm not asking you to be perfect. Nobody is."

"But _you_ are." I smile at him.

"Shut up." He smiles back. I lean over to kiss him, but my hand slips and the steering wheel turns sharply to the right. I try to take back control of the car, but the road is wet from the rain last night, and veer off into oncoming traffic. A car comes towards us and we collide. Phil screams and I see the air bags come out, but that's the last thing I remember.

I wake up later, in a dark room. The only light is coming through the blinds over a window. I hear a faint, but steady beeping of a heart monitor next to me. I have an IV in my arm and my head is killing me. I feel around on the table next to me for the nurse call button thing. I press it and a nurse comes in a minute later.

"Hey! Look who's up finally! I'm Jennifer, your nurse." She turns on the lights, blinding me. "How are you feeling? Do you have any questions?" She asks overly cheerfully. She has long blonde hair pulled back in a french braid. She has brown eyes and a little bit of makeup on. She's not thin, but not far either. I guess you would call her curvy. She's wearing purple scrubs with a star pattern on them, making them kind of look like pajamas.

"I'm okay. My head hurts a little. And I do have a few questions: What happened? Where's Phil? Is he okay? What's wrong with me?" I ask spitfire questions, wanting to know what the hell happened.

"You were in a bad car accident. Your car got out of control and you hit oncoming traffic. You have a broken leg, sprained wrist, and a concussion. You lost a lot of blood, but we fixed you up, and you should be good as new in a few weeks. As for Phil, he wasn't so fortunate..." I cut her off.

"What does that mean?"

"He is alive, but he's in surgery right now. The windshield shattered on his side and some of the glass got in his mouth and throat when he screamed. Right now they're removing it and stitching him up. We don't know if he'll ever be able to speak again." A buzzing noise came from her pocket. "If you'll excuse me, I have rounds to do." And with that, she leaves and closes the door behind her.

I'm left in complete silence, with only my thoughts. Oh my god. This is all my fault. Phil may never speak again because I made a stupid mistake. He's having surgery on his throat because of me. I feel absolutely terrible. This is all my fault.

A few hours later, Jennifer comes back in to check up on me. She also tells me that Phil came out of surgery an hour ago and I can go see him. She helps me into a wheelchair and wheels me to Phil's room. He's a floor below me, but only because he's just come out of surgery. When he wakes up he'll be moved to the bed next to mine.

I get into his room to see him laying in the hospital bed. There are tubes in his mouth helping him breathe. He had a bunch of wires sticking out of his arms and chest. There's some blood on his face they didn't clean up, and his head and throat are all bandaged up. A little bit of blood seeps through the bandages around his throat. He has stitches on his forehead, a cast on his left leg, and a his arms are wrapped in gauze.

My stomach drops when I see him.


	7. Something's Gotta Give-All Time Low

_"Maybe I'm a fucking waste. Filling up the empty space. I've been here way too long. Oh yeah, oh yeah. I'm feeling like a nervous wreck, living on my last paycheck. I'm a cliche in a song, and everybody's singing along."_

Phil is covered in bandages. His left leg is in a cast, and his arms are all wrapped up. He has stitches on his neck, forehead, and cheek. There are tubes coming out of his mouth helping him breathe. This is all my fault. I'm the reason he's in this mess. I almost killed him.

Jennifer wheels me next to his bed and helps me into the chair. She asks if I need anything, I say no, and she leaves us alone. I find a TV remote on his bedside table and turn in the TV. I flip through the channels, finding that there's nothing good on.

I find the news channel to see what's going on. Right now they're telling the weather, but right after, they go to a live broadcast of a car crash scene. I listen for a minute until I realize they're talking about us. They haven't cleaned up the cars yet, just moved them off the road. Oh my god, our car looks horrible. Half the windshield is gone, the front is completely smashed, and both the front doors and the front bumper are gone. There's glass everywhere. The news lady says the other person I hit is miraculously okay, just a few broken bones. Then she says that Phil and I are both alive, but Phil is in critical condition. It's kind of obvious to me though, as I'm sitting right next to him.

I change the channel and find The Great British Bake Off, but fall asleep after about ten minutes. I wake up to the sound of voices. A few nurses have come in to change Phil's bandages on his face and arms. They look horrible, and I try hard not to look. They leave when they're done, leaving me alone again. I'm insanely bored, but I can't really do anything in my current condition. I just had to fucking kiss him while the road was slippery. I had to fucking crash the car and almost kill us both. I've already done enough to poor Phil, but this is really the icing on the cake.

About two hours later, Phil finally wakes up. I see his head move, and then hear him moan from the pain in his throat. "Phil. I'm so sorry." I say.

He looks around for something, then makes a writing motion. I find a pen and paper in a drawer next to his bed. He writes, "What happened?"

"We were in a car accident. You're in the hospital." I say. "The road was slippery from the rain and I lost control of the car, and then we, or more I, hit another car."

"Are you okay?" He writes.

"I'll be fine. How do you feel?"

"My throat and my arm hurts. Why can't I talk?" He scribbles quickly. It takes me a second to make out his messy writing. It's not nearly as bad as mine would be though.

"Some of the glass from the windshield broke and went into your throat when you screamed." I sigh. I feel horrible that I did this to him. "They don't know if you'll be able to talk again, but your cuts will heal eventually. It's all my fault."

"It's not your fault. It could've happened to anyone. I love you."

"I love you too." I stand up on my good leg to kiss him on the top of his head, but my concussion makes me dizzy and I have to sit back down.

"What happened to you?" Phil asks.

"I have a broken leg, sprained wrist, and a concussion. I'll be fine. Do you want me to leave you alone for a little while?"

"NO STAY I'LL GET LONELY!!!" He writes in giant, underlined letters.

"Okay." I laugh. "I'll stay." I reach for his hand and hold it gently as not to hurt him. I prop up my broken leg on his bed and we watch The Great British Bake Off together.


	8. Ambulance-My Chemical Romance

_"And if you save my life, I'll be the one who drives you home tonight. And if I ever let you down, I'll be the one who drives you home tonight. Remember, once you walked this kind of life. Quietly, I'll sleep behind the wheel and passing every face you see the first time. Singing every piece as you walk by, proving that with all of my mistakes that we are not the same."_

Three weeks later, we're both released from the hospital. We still have casts on our legs, but all the bandages are off. Phil's cuts have healed, but he's left with some scars, fewer than I thought he'd be left with. The major ones are where he had stitches, and a few are on his arms where the glass cut kind of deep.

We called Louise to come pick us up since neither of us can drive, and we don't have a car either. We get home after an hour drive of awkward silence. Phil and I hobble up the stairs and collapse on the couch. I've never done so much physical activity in my life. I'm gonna skip ahead in time because nothing interesting really happens for the next few weeks except me apologizing to Phil an annoying amount of times.

Phil initially wasn't able to speak when we left the hospital, but is slowly getting his voice back. At first, his voice was really squeaky and extremely quiet. Like, the room had to be absolutely silent so you could hear him. Now, it's a few weeks later and he can say full sentences at a normal volume, he just can't be loud yet.

We haven't been fighting, thankfully. But I'm still depressed. I've made an appointment with a therapist for after I get my cast off.

"Hey Phil, do you want to order a pizza?" I suggest.

"Sure, but who's going to get up when the doorbell rings?"

"Oh, right. Being a cripple is so boring!I can't do anything!" I yell exasperatedly.

"Dan, how do you think I feel? We're in the same boat." Phil tries to calm me down, but he's only made it worse. He reminded me that I did this to him. He didn't say it, but my brain corrupts everything anybody says lately.

"Phil, I'm sorry this happened. It's all my fault. And I'm sorry I keep complaining, I know you have it worse. I'm probably the worst husband ever. Why are you still with me?" I question him.

"One, it's not your fault. Stop blaming yourself. And two, you're not the worst husband. You're wonderful, and I love you so much, Dan. I wish you could see that you're not as horrible as you think you are. You're the love of my life and it kills me when you think of yourself like that."

I smile and lean over to kiss him. "I love you too." We cuddle the rest of the day and watch Netflix. I guess you could say we Netflix and Phil. Okay, I'll stop.


	9. Bohemian Rhapsody-Queen

___"Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a land slide, no escape from reality. Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see. I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy because I'm easy come, easy go."_

I'm standing in a giant, empty field. It's warm and the wind is blowing softly through the tall grass. I turn around and see a little girl sitting off in the distance. She looks like she might be crying, but her back is facing me, so I can't really tell. I try running to her, but I'm not getting anywhere. My feet are moving, I'm running as fast as I can, but I'm not getting any closer to her.

I try crawling to her, but nothing I try works. The sky suddenly gets really dark, like the color of slate, and puffy, dark clouds roll in. The wind picks up quickly and blows my jacket and my hair back. My hair gets in my eyes and I struggle against the wind to remove it.

All of a sudden, the clouds open up and it starts pouring. The wind is blowing even faster now, making the rain hit my face harder. It hurts and it's cold, but I don't care. For some reason, my only objective is to get to the girl.

I try running to her again, but I slip on the wet grass. I fall on my stomach, knocking the wind out of me. I try regaining my breath, but my lungs start filling up with rain water. I cough and choke, struggling to breathe again. I'm drowning on land. I keep trying to run to the girl, but I still can't get to her. I try calling to her, but the wind is so strong that she wouldn't be able to hear me.

She stands up and faces me. She starts speaking, but I can't hear her. She seems completely unaffected by the weather. The rain soaks her dress,and the wind whips at her hair, but she stands completely still. She starts yelling now. I can make out the words "you", "need", and "done", but that's about it. The ground below her starts growing. There's a hill from where I am to where she is, but if she stepped backwards, she would fall off a cliff.

Rain water from up top pours down the ginormous hill and floods the field I'm stuck in. I've managed to cough up all the water in my lungs and I can breathe a little easier. I'm completely soaked now. My shirt is sticking to me and my jeans are chaffing my legs. I'm freezing cold and in pain, but I still need to get to her. I don't even recognize her, but she seems so familiar. I rack my brain for a name, but nothing comes to mind. She's still yelling, but I don't hear any sounds coming out of her mouth.

I decide trying to run to her again. Finally, I move. I try running as fast as I can, but I don't get very far. Oh well, it's better than nothing. It takes me forever to run up the hill, but I do get there. I collapse on my knees before her. I look up at her, finally recognizing who she is. It's my mother, but as a child. I recognize her from old family picture albums. She's about 8 years old here.

"Mom? What are you doing?" I ask her, finally close enough to hear her if she spoke.

She takes my face in her hands and says, "You need to pay for what you've done." Her pupils grow to the size of her entire eyeball, turning them pitch black. There's no reflection of light. Her eyes don't look wet like normal ones do, they're just empty.

"What does that mean?" I stand up and grab her arms at her sides. "Mom, what are you talking about?"

"Dan! Dan!" She yells over and over again. She wriggles free of my grasp and takes a step back. I take a step closer to her. She takes another step back until she's right at the edge of the cliff.

"Don't move!" I take a step closer, and she steps off the cliff. I reach for her, but I'm not quick enough. She screams my name on her way down. I hear a thud as she hits the bottom. As soon as she does, the rain stops. The wind slows down, and the sky brightens. Everything looks like it did before. I'm sure she's dead now, it was a big drop. I peak over the side of the cliff to see if I can see her. Nothing's there. No body, no blood, nothing.

I turn around to see if she might be behind me, but there's no one there. I turn back around to see that the cliff is gone. Everything looks like it did in the beginning. My clothes and my hair are dry, and my chest feels fine. It's like nothing ever happened.

I hear her calling my name again. "Dan! Dan! Dan! Wake up!" But it doesn't sound like she's here with me. It sounds like she's in my head. Then it turns all black. I hear Phil calling me and I feel him shaking me.

"Dan! Wake up!" I jolt awake. I'm covered in sweat and I'm all shaky.

"What? What happened?" I ask him. He looks scared.

"You were having a nightmare. You were shaking and screaming. It was terrifying. I tried shaking you awake for like five minutes, but you wouldn't wake up. What were you dreaming about?" He puts his hand on my back and rubs it to try and make me feel better. I'm still breathing shakily and I can't calm down. The words keep running through my head, "You need to pay for what you've done."

"Um, nothing. It's just a generic nightmare. Don't worry. I'm fine."


	10. Car Radio-Twenty One Pilots

_"Sometimes quiet is violent. I find it hard to hide it. My pride is no longer inside. It's on my sleeve. My skin will scream, reminding me of who I killed inside my dream. I hate this car that I'm driving, there's no hiding for me. I'm forced to deal with what I feel, there is no distraction to mask what is real. I could pull the steering wheel."_

"I'll be fine, I promise. I'm gonna go... think about stuff. I'll be back later."

"Okay. I love you, bear." He says sleepily.

"I love you too, lion." I say back, smiling him. He falls asleep instantly. I hobble out of the room and close the door as quietly as I can. I go out into the lounge, open the window, and sit out on the fire escape. I like to come out here to think. It's nice and quiet and no one bothers me so I can get through shit on my own, like I prefer to.

I really don't like the idea of therapists. I don't like the idea of people I don't know very well knowing all the shit that's going wrong in my life. And with me, there's a lot. There's the self harming, the suicide attempt, all the shit that's going on in my head, it's a lot to tell a person you don't know.

I'd rather Phil pretend to be my therapist, but then again, I don't want to put all that stuff on him. He doesn't know a lot of this stuff and, on one hand, I want him to know everything so I don't have to keep any secrets from him. On the other hand, I don't want him to know all this depressing stuff about me.

I think about what I should do for a few more minutes, then decide that I need to tell him. But I don't want to wait. I need to tell him now. I go into the hallway and lean against the wall before deciding if I'm really going to do this. I finally say to myself, yes, I need to do this.

I open the door to our room and peek my head in. "Phil? Are you awake?" I hear him mumble, but can't make out real words. "Phil, wake up I need to tell you something important."

I come into the room and flip on the lights. I sit down on the bed next to him and shake him until he's sitting upright. "What? What's so important at... 3:30 in the morning?"

"I was thinking and I thought that instead of talking about a bunch of personal stuff to a strange therapist I don't even know, it would be better to tell you all the stuff I would normally tell him. Would that be okay?"

"Yeah, definitely. But can it wait until tomorrow? I'm tired."

"Phil, please this is really important to me, and if I wait until tomorrow I won't be able to sleep. And I might forget what I was going to say. Or I might not want to tell you anymore. I don't want to have to keep secrets from you anymore."

"Okay." He adjusts the pillow so he's more comfortable and gives me his full attention. "Tell me everything."

So I do. I tell him why I started cutting. I tell him how bad I did it. I tell him about all the times I cried myself to sleep and thought about killing myself, all without his knowledge. I tell him what drove me to my suicide attempt and what I think about it now. I tell him that I kept secretly cutting even after he told me not to. I explain all the things I've ever thought about that made me feel depressed. I explain why I was so shitty the first few months of our marriage. I tell him all the thoughts running through my head when he left me, and that I, again, thought about killing myself. I tell him all these horrible things that I've done or thought about without telling him.

The entire time he sits in silence, just listening to me. A few times I see his eyes well up and I feel bad, but he has to know, so I continue. I talk for almost two hours. I don't feel sad, I don't feel happy, I don't feel anything. But this time, I don't care. I need to not feel anything so I can tell him without freaking out.

After I finish, he doesn't say anything for a minute. He looks down at his hands in his lap. Then he looks back up at me, takes my hand in his and says, "Thank you for telling me."

"You're not mad or upset?" I ask.

"Of course I'm not mad. I am a little bit upset, but I'm more glad that you don't have to go through all that alone anymore."

"I love you so much." I smile at him.

"I love you so much too, bear." Then he kisses my nose, and then me.

"It's so cute when you call me that."

"Because you're so cute. You're my teddy bear that I can hug and snuggle with."

I smile. "Why don't we go to sleep now? I'm tired, and I'm sure you are too."

"Yeah. Goodnight, Dan." We both lay down under the covers. I put my head on his chest as he wraps his arms around me. I feel so safe when he does this. Like there's nothing in the world to hurt me, not even my own thoughts. It feels like Phil can protect me from anything now. And he does. We both fall asleep, dreaming about what the future might hold for us.


	11. Mortician's Daughter-Black Veil Brides

_"I open my lungs, dear. I sing this song at funerals, no rush. These lyrics heard a thousand times, just plush. A baby boy you've held so tightly, this pain it visits almost nightly. Missing hotel beds, I feel your touch. I will await, dear. A patience of eternity, my crush. A universe so still, no rust. No dust will ever grow on this frame, a million years and I will say your name. I love you more than I can ever scream."_

Epilogue.

Phil and I have been married for five years now. We got a dog about two months after our first anniversary. Of course, it's a Shiba Inu. I wanted to be funny and call him Pepe, but Phil immediately vetoed it. Now, his name is Buddy. He's four years old and loves to run around and get dog hair on everything. And I mean _everything_.

We adopted a baby girl two years ago. Her name is Charlotte. She has short, curly, blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. She's starting to say full sentences. They may be short, but she's trying. Her first word was dada, which is what she calls Phil. To her, I'm papa. She's 2 and a half years old now. For her last birthday, both our parents came up and we had cake, filmed a video for her for when she turns eighteen, and told them everything that's gone on in the last few years. Needless to say, they were shocked, but they were still supportive.

Two months ago, we adopted a baby boy. His name is Aiden. He has really dark, brown eyes and thick, dark hair. He looks kind of like I did as a baby. He's five months old now. It's not easy taking care of a baby under a year, but we've had practice from when we first got Charlotte.

The first two or three months were exhausting. For both kids. They never slept through the night, they cried constantly, and Phil and I never slept either. It was hell, but we're glad it happened, because we have two wonderful kids. And we're as happy as can be.


End file.
